Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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