i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
