ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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