I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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