I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
