Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
