I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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