I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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