community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
