Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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