im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
