toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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