i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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