My hand turned me down
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
