my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
