I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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