On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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