This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
