ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
