It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
