Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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