OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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