I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
