fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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