Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Green mimosas i think yes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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