I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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