My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
