My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
