Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Holy sore nipples Batman
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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