Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
