I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
