Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
