i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
