I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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