part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
