mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
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all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
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She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings