he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
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we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
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Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.