Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
