I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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