I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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