You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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