oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
