If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?