How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
