u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
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I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.