Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
