I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.