I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.