A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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