he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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