No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize