my phone needs a breathalizer
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
