he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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