just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
