my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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