I just threw up on my dentist
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
