That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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