oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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