We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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