you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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