I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
