DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I bet he comes in French.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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