I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
